So, I've been a little busy trying to put my own advice to good use, which has me not writing as much. I'm doing a bunch of other things though...Family Reunion Committee (think convention). I officially started an Event planning business (I've been writing a blog through the website...check me out www.beautieplanners.wix.com/dream). I have a newborn, and he's up every three hours (love that kid Zack). And, I have a really busy job that keeps me in high demand as a Student Affairs administrator. With all of these things, I honestly have not had time to really write what is in my head. However, if you stop by my office, I will gladly give you an ear full!
So let me get right down to what I'm thinking about as February comes to a close. While I've been doing a whole lot of executing, I've been dreaming. I've been wondering what it would be like to pastor. What would it be like to sing on Broadway? What would it be like to write a book? What would be like to have a six pack? What would it be like to run a multi-million dollar company, jet setting around the world?
These musings have re-emerged because I'm thinking about the scope of my life as I watch so many around me follow their dreams. In many ways, it has me thinking about the choices that I've made, and reflecting on the choices I wish I had made. I'm not saying it is all over; however, I am saying that their have been things that I have given up that I'm not so sure I should have.
When I was in college, I loved to sing, and I still do. Every once in a while, I wonder what I could have done with that gift, if I kept singing. I haven't sung rigorously in about two years, and I miss it. Too, I've always wanted to be really in shape, but I've never managed to keep going to the gym because of schedule and because I lack the sincere will power to do so. I don't really enjoy the gym or working out...it feels too much like a chore for somebody who didn't play sports for any point in my life. Every once in a while, I flirt with the idea of getting a PhD and writing books. I just can't bear to think about the thought of going back to school, and a solitary life with pen and pad.
Now I've given you a laundry list of all of my loves and passions and desires...and a list of all the regrets, I probably should really tell you what happened. If I'm really, really honest, I gave up. I lost steam. I got frustrated, and I had other things I could do. I GAVE UP. In life, the things we sometimes call choices aren't really choices at all. Sometimes we just give up. The reasons can seem really logical and make all the sense in the world. But we must start by saying this, "I gave up!" We've got to own that.
Giving up is understandable when the goal seems insurmountable, and it seems like the things you want are out of reach. Giving up can be easy when people don't support you on the dream or affirm the gift. Giving up can be really easy when opportunity seems to never be on the horizon. Sometimes, the mundane life can be much more easy to live out, than the dynamic life.
And it can be really, really, really easy to live out safe dreams and safe realities. At the same time, if you are like me, every time you see someone living
out a dream that has been brewing in your head, it will remind you of
the possibilities of life. It will make you a little bit restless. It will have you think, "is this it?" I imagine that quite a few people who are depressed or who have hit a spiritual, career, or personal goal wall get here and wonder what's next.
I really don't have any answers, and the Black mother wit, "of keep on livin baby" seems incomplete for explaining the how and the why of giving up. Maybe what we need is not answers but examples to remind us that we are all living testimonies to the very dreams that find us and haunt us. Right now, I'm thinking of biblical Hannah in 1 Samuel who found herself with a husband and no child...while those around her seemed to have more than enough children, as they sought to be mean-spirited pointing out her barreness.
I'm reminded of Hannah's radical prayer and worship life, partitioning God to bless her with a son, whom she decided to dedicate right back to God. This can seem like an easy fix until you are knee deep into a year and a half of radical prayer and worship...and still no magical answer from God. And what if it happens, and we are required unlike others to turn it over to God. There are definitely some challenges to persevering...giving up can be a whole lot less painful.
I'm convinced that each of us has a Hannah story dancing in our hearts...and if we can be perserverant long enough, we might find out that we have a blessing inside of us too. And, sometimes the things we desperately want, things that we told ourselves that we can't have, start by taking one step in the direction of just one of those dreams. For me, lately, that's been starting my own business. Striking out in this one area, has helped me deal with my issues of confidence. And while I'm scared of failure, I'm excited to try. In fact, starting this business has made me emotionally more eager to open my heart to the possibility of other dreams that I had put up in my spiritual and emotional "parking lot." Starting the business has made me reflect on my life's work, as I've had to put together a portfolio.
One day, a few weeks ago, I began to marvel at many of the things that I had counted insignificant. Looking back made me realize that I had indeed made an impact. It was in that moment that I realized the truth in a critique given to me a few months prior. A colleague who I adore had asked me, "Sean, why didn't you apply for that?" I fumbled with an answer, but she said something that resonated with the truth that I didn't want to hear. She said, "I know why...you don't believe in yourself no matter how 'butter' you are?" As we sat talking, I knew she was speaking truth to me...and when I began to put together my portfolio I had to sit with another truth: I was indeed "butter."
One day, a few weeks ago, I began to marvel at many of the things that I had counted insignificant. Looking back made me realize that I had indeed made an impact. It was in that moment that I realized the truth in a critique given to me a few months prior. A colleague who I adore had asked me, "Sean, why didn't you apply for that?" I fumbled with an answer, but she said something that resonated with the truth that I didn't want to hear. She said, "I know why...you don't believe in yourself no matter how 'butter' you are?" As we sat talking, I knew she was speaking truth to me...and when I began to put together my portfolio I had to sit with another truth: I was indeed "butter."
What I'm saying here is less confusing than my example. Sometimes we must look back at the work we have done, the training we have received, and the successes we've had...to see ourselves clearly, often overlooking the negative words that are sometimes corrupting our hearts and minds. What I'm saying is that we must KNOW deeply that our value is larger than one moment of failure, one moment of brokeness, one moment of misplaced vulnerability...one moment of hopelessness. What I do know...is that if you don't try...if you don't risk...you will always be stagnant and scared, and probably a little envious of others who are seeking to live out their dreams.
My one real admonishment is this: fight the urge to become one on those people.
Let's get to our next level. I know that we've given up before...but let's try again!
