I will never forget the day that I found out that I got in to Duke for grad school. Both a feeling of wonder and terror filled me. How wonderful to be considered smart enough to attend a place like Duke, when in fact, the only reason I applied was so that I could be turned down. And in the same breath, it was terrifying to think that I might be attending a school that had a notorious perception for fumbling with race and class. Only two years prior in 2006, I and several of my students at Paine College watched from a few hundred miles away in horror at the way in which Duke, with all of its privilege, had reminded us that white men could/can get away with anything. So it was a little bit funny when I shared with my family that I was quitting Paine to return to school for a seminary education at Duke, to which they replied glibly, "watch out for those Lacrosse players." It was as if they were talking about a sort of 21st century Klansman.
But my students, classmates, preachers, friends, and family all encouraged me to go, because they understood what "that" kind of credential could mean for my future successes. My aunts, with their beautiful southern accents, would pronounce every letter when asked, "what is Sean up to these days?" They would reply with an air of sophistication and pride, "Honey, my nephew is going to DUUUUUUUURKE," as they sat pretentiously waiting for the inquirer's mouth to drop. Everybody enjoyed announcing that I was headed to a place where any dream I had could be realized. And if I'm honest, I can admit that I really had only come to be credentialed, so that I could head back to some HBCU. And if pushed too far by idiocy or black bourgeois tendencies, I too could pronounce that I had gone to "DUUUUUUUURKE"...in hopes that it would shut up the questioner.
I, with my healthy spirit of distrust for white spaces (mostly brought on and cultivated by my undergraduate Alma Mater), attended Duke with an overwhelming feeling that I would NOT be here long. But, its almost been a decade. I am literally two years shy of that. And, I could have never imagined that when I was coming to Duke and to Durham that I would be here as long as I had lived in Atlanta. In fact, too much has happened to me at Duke, in Blue Devil country.
In my first year here, I lost my mother, and at the same time reconnected with my father. And since that first year, each year at Duke has teetered between one extreme of despair and another extreme of hope. I've had to witness the burial of two very close friends, even as I was on my way to the altar to get married. I've had to deal with my disappointments around ministry, even as I found much purpose in unofficial pastoring/ministering to colleagues and students. I've had to wrestle with my own insecurities as a former foster kid in a place where so many have beautiful and loving families. And, I've had to deal with a lack of resources, even as I welcomed my son, and started a small business. For me, the Duke experience isn't all bad or all good. It's probably a bit of both in this land of opportunity/inequity.
When I look back at my time at Duke, I actually find myself wrestling with an honest thought about the place. I sometimes don't know what to think, because to feel only one way about Duke is...probably to not acknowledge the most complex set of feelings that I've ever had. Maybe its best to think about it in short memories. Duke is the feeling of gratitude, when students have shed tears as I packed boxes to embark upon a new journey, promising to never forget me. Duke is the feeling of shame, when overhearing how some student or administrator made a worker feel during an interaction. Duke is the feeling of success, when watching a classmate create the #LemonadeSyllabus or get into Med/Law School or run after their dream. Duke is the feeling of inadequacy, when realizing you aren't one of those people...and that you may not be as brilliant as you think. Duke is the feeling of love, when you go to or participate in two former Duke students' wedding. Duke is the feeling of exploitation, when you realize that sometimes peers and friends have no idea who you are...and only want you for the things you can produce.
And, all of this is true in my life. Duke seems to be a place that doesn't want to be pinned down in my cannon of feelings. And maybe its this pendulum that made it possible to have more days than I'd like to admit in which I wanted to leave Duke. Too, there were moments of sublime joy that came at the end of long hard work. Right now though, I think I'm a little sad. I am sad that too many black people never get to enjoy Duke, even as they work and go to Duke. I am sad too many of us experience the traumas of nooses, even as we are told to keep pushing here. I am sad that Duke's invitation to come, isn't an invitation to be. I am sad that I am leaving students and peers here to fend for themselves.
I am, though, happy. I am happy to be able to enjoy Duke as an alumnus. I am happy to be in a position where I believe I will be able to make changes in others lives. I am happy to know Duke as my own...and to be able to challenge it, having worked their. I am happy for the change of pace, the opportunity to be managed differently, the possibility of new growth.
On my last day at Duke, I am reflecting on all of the conversations, all of the struggle, all of the camraderie, all of the brilliance, all of the heartache, all of the tears, all of the joy...
I'm reminded of something a classmate said years ago when I first arrived. He said, "going to Duke as a Black man, is like having dinner at a Plantation." And I would add, working at Duke, "is like making the food on a plantation." I am thankful though that my guests were willing to eat what I prepared...even when they didn't know how it was being prepared. So, when you ask me about this place...I have no idea what I have just experienced. Maybe as my grandmama would say, "I will understand it better by and by."
But it's my last day in Blue Devil country...so maybe its best just to take it all in...and consider "how far I've come from where I started from." Until I can figure this last take home test out, I'll just say that Duke will always be more than I hoped for, and eerily less than I expected.
